Over the last couple of years two men who were each important to me for different reasons explained they lived their lives as a lie trying to “do the right thing”. Each had terrible consequences as doing “the right thing” led to them and their loved ones being desperately unhappy and disappointed. Living a lie is never the right thing. I’m pleased to say one of those with the help of intense counselling came out of a very dark place happier and more confident and is now learning who they really are. The other sadly continues to make himself and those around him extremely unhappy by “doing the right thing”.
How many of you are living your lives trying to “do the right thing”? The better description of that may be living as someone other than yourself to fit into a box of what you perceive is expected of you.
How can you think it makes anyone around you happy knowing that you aren’t being true to yourself and miserable in a futile attempt to please them?
This is an issue that goes far beyond coming to terms with kinks and fetishes but affects everyday life too. If you feel you need to lie to make others feel better about you, that is an issue.
Invariably this results in a lack of fulfilment as you can never achieve the perfection imposed by your own mind.
Why do you lie? Is it that you want to be liked? Why do you feel you can’t be liked as the real you?
Why do you think others have such impossible expectations of you? Do others really expect of you what you are putting on yourself?
Are you making the people around you happy by being this false version of yourself? Doubtful, those around you will know that there is something amiss.
Stand back and consider where these notions originally came from. Have you simply created a scenario that is the easier option? Will the world dramatically end if you become yourself? Being honest about who you are and your own wants, needs and desires will help those that love you understand you better.
Before you suddenly declare to the world think carefully who you sound off to and how.
Clearly not everyone is interested, the work colleague who sat across from you 2 years ago or a random stranger isn’t going to care but those that love you hopefully will. If they aren’t interested or indeed don’t care maybe it’s time to let go of the perceived security blanket holding you to them and make your own way being YOU.
Lots of people, but I’ve found men, struggle to let go of the apron strings whether that be the aprons of their mothers or partners through fear of change. Scary as it seems at first, there is no doubt change can be scary, you can do it. It may not be perfect to start with, but it will be true.
To be taken seriously you need to be calm and clear in your own head and allow the person you discuss you with the time to absorb and understand. Suddenly declaring you want a deep discussion about something so massive and totally out of the blue isn’t fair and won’t get you the reaction you desire. Be kind and considerate and respect the enormity of the shock you are laying on your confidante. They had become accustomed to believing in your lie and will need time to learn to love the truth of you.
Now is the perfect time to reassess where you are. Everything in the world changed and we are now beginning the journey to normalising, akin to awakening from a cocoon. You can take this opportunity to go down a different path to the one you found you were trudging along before Covid-19 turned our lives upside down and inside out.
I too have done a lot of soul searching and worked out what I desire of my life and what is feasible. Don’t misunderstand, I have never been afraid of change but am someone who embraces it. It could be said that I seek out change. I assume that comes from an original starting point where change could only result in an improvement, I have lived my life on that basis since.
I am in a privileged position that due to unexpected life events prior to the first lockdown I had to reassess my life with the new understanding that it is a precious gift not to be wasted. The lockdowns have enabled me to recuperate and prepare for the new me. I feel more balanced in my understanding of me and focused on how I wish to pursue my life. Perhaps feistier, definitely more passionate about the things that matter and totally indifferent to those that don’t. I will let you know in future musings how this reflects in my sessions but let’s just say I’m more confident about my journey and who I am knowing I am the master of my own destiny.
There is a lot to be said for having inner peace and contentment.
Ms Birch x